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The Zombieland Guide to Self-Defense – Rule #21: Avoid Strip Clubs

You can’t spend all of your time in Zombieland running. When you’re getting hunted down by the undead, you’ll want somewhere safe to lay low. For some of us, maybe that’s a strip club.Cheap food, booze and the women are paid to be nice to you. What’s not to like?

You know, besides the venereal disease and shame.

But you know what’s not hot? Half naked zombies. Unless you’re into that, creepy guy in the back. You can leave.

Zombieland Rule #21: Avoid Strip Clubs

Alright Dan, just how in the hell are you going to tie strip clubs to self-defense?

I’m glad you asked, voice-in-my-head!

You see, every once in a while you might get the bright idea to date someone in your martial arts class. You’re working out together, joking around, and you think it’s going to be awesome. (Apologies to any guys/gals that I’m comparing to zombie peelers)

In a word: don’t.

If you really must date that dude/chick in the dojo

If you do meet someone at dojo, agree to leave the relationship off the mat.

This is the kind of crap that will make other students hate you:

  • Baby talk
  • Whispering during class
  • Giggles of any kind

You won’t get anything out of your lessons if you always partner up with each other and hold back.

If you just can’t keep away from her, Romeo, keep the cutesy stuff to a minimum, and don’t annoy the other students.

What if I’m the teacher?

Well then you’re not very professional, are you?

Very few people are able to handle a relationship with a student maturely (I’m talking about two consenting adults in this case). I would say no one, except Bruce Lee met his wife when she became his student.

If you’re the teacher (and this does happen), no matter how well you hide it, people will find out what’s going on. This will lead to accusations of favouritsm, or the object of your affection expecting special treatment.

Try telling the girl you’re seeing that she has to do push-ups and you’ll notice the loss of authority.

Bottom line: Don’t let a relationship be your flesh-eating zombie stripper.

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The Zombieland Guide to Self-Defense – Rule #18: Limber Up

Flexibility
Creative Commons License photo credit: Canon in 2D

What’s worse than running from a horde of zombies? Running away from a horde of zombies with a cramp in your leg.

When not fighting the undead, martial artists put their bodies through all sorts of things that it doesn’t naturally do, all in the name of toughening up.

Striking hard surfaces, kicking well above their head, dropping into exaggerated stances and popping right back up again.

All of these things make martial artists agile and strong, but if done wrong, they can do more harm than good. Today’s Zombieland rule is something most ‘tough guys’ take for granted.

Zombieland Rule #18: Limber Up


Blood needs to circulate. Muscles need to stretch. Before going nuts in a workout or if you know you’re going to be working your ass off, do 10 minutes of light activity first, such as:

  • Jumping rope (boxers do it. ‘Nuff said.)
  • Light jogging, or at least brisk walking
  • Shadow-boxing

Pro-tip: The best warm-up resembles what you’re going to be doing. If you’re about to do a heavy squat, do a few sets with a lighter weight to prepare.

What Limber Up doesn’t mean

Warming up doesn’t mean doing hundreds of push ups or running 10 miles. If punching feels like you’re swinging tree trunks, you’re not going to get much out of practice.

But Lions Don’t Warm-up

I love hearing this. Who are you? Jack Lalanne?

You’re not a lion.

In fact, if a lion knew you were saying crap like that, he’d eat you out of spite. Imagine being king of the jungle and suddenly being compared to the lazier version of a chimp.

You’re human, and humans eat crap we don’t need, spend a lot of our time being lazy and don’t rest anywhere near enough. So until your spend your entire day being active, stretch, ya slacker.

What are you not doing that you should?

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You Know You’re a Canadian Martial Artist When…

A few of my friends have made “You know you’ve been practicing martial arts too long when…” posts at Innervision Kung Fu and Richard Northwood’s Tai Chi blog (check them out), and I thought I’d throw in my own version for Canadians. Canucks represent!

photo credit: Steve Keys
You know you’re a Canadian martial artist when:

You [...]

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Are you Observing or Just Seeing? The Sherlock Holmes Guide to Kicking Ass

I present to you, the first ever guest post on Martial Media, submitted by Spark from Spark’s Budo World. If you would like to guest post on Martial Media, send me a message on the contact page or on Twitter: @DanCosgrove. I’ll reciprocate by writing up an article for your website as well.
After a while, [...]

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The Zombieland Guide to Self-Defense – Rule #17: Don’t be a Hero

Life isn’t a movie. It’s also not a video game.

Life is messy, and sometimes the nice guys get hurt and the jerks of the world get to soak up the rewards of our hard work.

As much as we’d like karma to be a concrete rule, letting well-meaning citizens some kind of tangible benefit, it doesn’t always work that way.

Our hero Columbus knows this well. Being a hero in Zombieland can get you killed. That being said, here’s today’s Zombieland rule of Survival:

Zombieland Rule #17: Don’t be a Hero

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The Zombieland Guide to Self-Defense – Rule #15: Bowling Ball

Sometimes when touring around Zombieland, it can be fun and beneficial to get creative. If you happen to need something for non-undead fighting purposes, you can make a weapon by combining two seemingly poor choices together.

Here’s how to combine a couple of everyday objects to make one ass-kicking device.

Zombieland Rule #15: Bowling Ball

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The Zombieland Guide to Self-Defense – Rule #12: Bounty Paper Towels

Every lifestyle has its messes to clean up, martial arts included. We prepare and sweat and break ourselves training for an attack that may never happen.

But what about the little hazards that aren’t only common, but expected? Shouldn’t you be prepared?

Take a note from our little hero Columbus in today’s Zombieland rule:

Zombieland Rule #12: Bounty Paper Towels

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The Zombieland Guide to Self-Defense – Rule #8: Get a Kickass Partner

Life is a contact sport. Would you take on a hockey team by yourself? How about a horde of zombies? How about bench-pressing a new record without a spotter?

There aren’t many times in life when you actually need to do something completely by yourself. Know when having a friend nearby can be keep you safe.

We’re about half-way through Zombieland, kids. Keep your arms and legs inside the car and check out today’s rule of survival:

Zombieland Rule #8: Get a Kickass Partner

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The Zombieland Guide to Self-Defense – Rule #7: Travel Light

Ah, baggage. We’ve all got it. Your boss is riding you, maybe you’re fighting with your boyfriend. Daddy issues?

It’s common to hear “leave it at home” or “leave if off the mat” when you’re in a dojo. The thought being that your training’s going to suck if you’re only thinking about the crap going on at home. Class should be a place where you can forget it all, and belt out your stress on the punching bag or grappling the class meathead.

Hell, maybe you’re one of these people that carries around a load of literal baggage. Have you seen these people with no cash but 5 pound wallets? Ridiculous.

And with that, drumroll please, today’s Zombieland rule:

Zombieland Rule #7: Travel Light

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The Zombieland Guide to Self-Defense – Rule #6: Cast Iron Skillet

Not all self-defense scenarios happen in typical places. Most of the training you do could be in a dojo, barefoot and on a clean, smooth surface, or you could get attacked while walking down the street at night or in a bar.

But what of those times when something happens in a place that you’d never expect? Caught unprepared, you’ll have to resort to unconventional weapons or tactics, which brings us to today’s Zombieland Rule of Survival:

Zombieland Rule #6: Cast Iron Skillet

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